9 Effective Ways to Make Friends
In this article, I present you 9 principles to put into practice taken directly from the famous book by Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, so, tips for making friends quickly, influencing others, and increasing self-confidence.
9 principles for making FRIENDS quickly and INFLUENCING others that are taken directly from Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Before getting to the heart of the matter, here’s a story that illustrates the power of this book.
It is the story of an 8-year-old boy who discovers the book How to Win Friends in his grandfather’s library. He reads it and finds it interesting. And like many of us, after a few days he forgets about it, and the book starts collecting dust on the shelves again.
Then, as a teenager, this little boy turned young man has a lot of problems developing his social circle. He’s a shy person with little self-esteem, and he has a hard time making friends. So, he thinks back to How to Win Friends.
He goes and gets it back from his grandfather’s library to read it again. This time, he says to himself: “I have to know if what the author shares is actually valid. So, I’m going to do something simple, I’m going to do a scientific test to see if these principles really work.”
And he decides to do something simple. Half the time, he will use the principles that are in How to Win Friends, and the other half of the time, he will just act as he usually does, and he will compare the result between the two attitudes.
The point is that if he has better interpersonal skills, more friends, more relationships, more self-esteem, more charisma, people are interested in him when he applies the principles of the book, in that case, he will say: these principles are valid, so, I will apply them for the rest of my life.
He takes the test and sees with an absolutely glaring difference that the principles that are in How to Make Friends work and that it gives him an extremely significant advantage in his relationships with others.
And he would go on to say later that it is one of the few books that completely changed his life and that his career would not have been the same without reading this book.
This young man is Warren Buffett, one of the richest men in the world, who is also known for his infectious joviality, his charisma, and his qualities as an approachable and sympathetic man. And it is with the principles of Dale Carnegie’s book that he was able to develop his self-esteem and his legendary charm.
He was the richest man in the world in 2008 and he promised to donate 99% of his fortune very soon. So, an extraordinary fate that was shaped in large part by How to Win Friends and by what I call an appropriately skeptical approach.
Now, we are getting into the main subject.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
The first principle is a universal law which is sometimes very difficult to accept. 99 times out of 100, humans judge themselves to be innocent no matter the extent of their guilt.
Al Capone, the most infamous gangster of all time, said himself: “I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man.”
Often, gangsters, criminals and evildoers justify their behavior with a whole bunch of illogical or fallacious reasoning. Criticism is therefore futile since it puts the individual on the defensive and pushes him to justify himself, and it is dangerous because it hurts self-esteem and arouses resentment.
When we study the lives of great men considered to be great leaders, we see that, in general, they give out criticism with extreme caution and do everything to maintain the self-esteem of those whom they are criticizing.
The Principles of Making Friends Quickly
Principle Number One
So, first principle: Don’t criticize, don’t condemn, don’t complain.
Then, there is a need as deep and urgent as hunger. It is the need to be recognized.
And the best way to give someone that importance they crave so much is to compliment them.
However, it is not a question here of giving overpraise, which is dangerous and often ends up back firing against the smooth talker. It is a question of a new mental attitude, of a new way of living: seeking in others their qualities and sincerely complimenting them, expressing our admiration to them when we have it.
Sincere praise is the honey of human relationships. Everyone looks for it and highly appreciates it.
Principle Number Two
So, the second principle is: Giving honest and sincere compliments.
Why always talk about what we want? It is vain, childish, and absurd.
Obviously, each of us is interested in what we want. We’ll be interested in it forever, but we’ll be the only ones thinking about it. Everyone else is like us on this report and only cares what they think. That’s why the only way to influence your neighbor is to talk to him/her about what he/her wants and show him/her how he/she can get it.
This is the secret of success: putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and considering things from both their point of view and your own, because action springs from our fundamental desires. And in order to influence others, it is above all necessary to create in them a burning desire to act.
Principle Number Three
So, the third principle is: Create an eager want in the other person by talking in terms of their interests.
We all know people who toil their whole lives to get others to care about them. In vain, people think only of themselves. They think about themselves in the morning, at noon and in the evening.
When you look at a photo of a group you’re a part of, whom do you look at first?
As a result, in order for others to be interested in you, you must first be interested in them. All of us, whether we are beggars or kings, we love those who admire us.
Want to make yourself likable? Well, jot down birthdays in your calendar and wish them.
Greet people warmly and eagerly on the phone. Show your admiration and genuine interest when the opportunity arises again. It is very important to do this sincerely. Look for qualities in others and what you admire in them.
Principle Number Four
So, principle number four is: Be genuinely interested in others.
Actions speak louder than words. The smile says: I like you, I’m happy to see you, your presence makes me happy, etc. Obviously, it is about the sincere, broad, and spontaneous smile which seduces and comforts, not the mechanical and fake smile that puts people off.
The most striking example of the effect of a sincere smile is a child’s smile. Often, it is infectious and can change our most gloomy mood for an instant, the length of time we smile back.
A smile is so significant that it can even be heard in our voice. In addition, a smile is a sign of self-confidence and charisma, which are very appealing traits in any person.
Your voice on the phone will change if you smile. Give it a try, you will see.
Principle Number Five
So, principle number five is: To smile.
Former United States President Bill Clinton, a character famous for his charm and charisma, is known for remembering the names of all the people with whom he had spoken for only a few minutes.
He may come across you several years after meeting you and immediately call you by your first name and ask you how you are doing.
Since his adolescence, he has carefully written down in a notebook the names of the people he meets. He knows that everyone prefers their name to all the other names on earth.
If you remember someone’s name, you give the person a subtle and valued compliment because our name spoken in a friendly voice is the most pleasant sound you can hear on this planet.
On the other hand, if you forget it, pronounce it badly or misspell it, you can upset and even greatly offend.
Men are so proud of their names that they strive to keep it alive at all costs. However, in general, if we forget names, it is because we simply do not take the time to write them down, to repeat them, to etch them permanently in our memory.
It can be done and certainly takes time, but it is worth the effort.
Principle Number Six
So, principle number six is: Remember that a person’s name is very important to them.
How to succeed with your interlocutor? How to convince him/her and hold a successful conversation with him/her?
It is no mystery. In order to gain someone’s sympathy, put them in a good mood and rally them to your cause, you have to give them your exclusive attention when they speak. Nothing is more flattering. For that, you have to know how to sincerely listen and show it.
Conversely, if you want to know what to do so that people avoid you, laugh at you behind your back or look down on you, never listen to what others say, always talk about yourself.
If an idea occurs to you while someone else is speaking, don’t wait until they have finished. What they’re saying can’t be as interesting and brilliant as what you’re going to say anyway.
Go ahead and interrupt them in the middle of the sentence.
That said, if you want your conversation to be enjoyed, you should know how to listen. To be interesting, be interested. Ask stimulating, pleasant questions. Ask them about their life, about what they do.
Remember that the person you are talking to is 100 times more interested in their toothache than in the famine that is said to have killed thousands of Chinese people.
Principle Number Seven
So, principle number seven is: Know how to listen. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
To find the way to a somebody’s heart, you have to talk to them about what they love most. If you can find out what interests someone, what excites them, all you have to do is relax and listen with interest as they explain everything you want to know.
Principle Number Eight
So, principle number eight is: Talk to the other person about what interests them.
There is a very important law that we must obey in our dealings with others. If we observe it, we will gain friendship and happiness. If we violate it, we will create many difficulties.
It is “make others feel important.”
You hold those around you in high esteem. You want the justice that you deserve. And it is very nice for you to feel important in your little sphere.
You hate lofty praise but love when it is sincere. You want to be honored, encouraged, complimented. We all yearn for this.
Principle Number Nine
So, principle number nine is: Make others feel important and do it sincerely.
To Summarize
The 9 Principles for Influencing Others:
- Don’t criticize, don’t condemn, don’t complain.
- Give honest and sincere compliments.
- Create in the person an eager want.
- Take a genuine interest in others.
- Have a smile; it is a sign of self-esteem and it gives you charm and charisma.
- Remember that a person’s name is very important to them.
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
- Talk to the other person about what interests them.
- Make others feel important and do it sincerely.
Those are the 9 simple principles, but they still have to be applied.
We could say to ourselves: ‘Yes, but if we apply that all the time, there would be no more debate. There would be no more confrontation in ideas, etc.’
That is a point. There are factors like science or politics where you also have to know how to confront different ideas a little, otherwise you would not be able to move forward in society.
But in general, in our daily life, in our professional life, in our personal life, whether it is getting yourself business contacts or making friends on Facebook, these are the principles that are really to be applied as much as possible.
We can also try to apply them to people whom we consider to be adversaries in terms of ideas in order to debate ideas, but without offending the other person.
Moreover, this will also be the subject of the second video, which will be taken from How to Win Friends with 12 principles for convincing others without offending them. It will be published in the near future.