Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men

Integral Relationships

Summary of Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men by Martin Ucik: a guidebook for any man who wants to master the basics of the integral approach to romantic relationships.

By Martin Ucik, 2010, 477 pages.

Chronicle and summary of Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik

An introductory note about the author and the book

Martin Ucik is a writer, trainer and consultant. He trained as a group facilitator with Eckhart Tolle before becoming a passionate student of Ken Wilber’s integral approach. In recent years, he has been applying Wilber’s levels of consciousness theory (integral theory, also known as the dynamic spiral) to the field of love relationships.

Among his books are:

  • Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men (the subject of this article)
  • Sex Purpose Love: Couples in Integral Relationships Creating a Better World

Integral Relationships has been translated into several languages and read in over 30 countries.

Here is what Ken Wilber has to say about his work:

“Martin has continued his ground-breaking work in applying Integral Theory to the whole complex issue of relationships. Like his first book in this area Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men, his second book: Sex Purpose Love is fully grounded in Integral Theory,  and continues adding new, interesting, and relevant material to it, to bring a truly up-to-date overview of today’s relationships and how to make them work from the very highest potentials possible. Some of it is controversial, but that’s what you expect from any truly great pioneering approaches, and this is certainly that. Given the fractured and fragmented state of relationships as they exist now, nothing is more important for today than a truly comprehensive and inclusive, and leading-edge guide. […] So check this out, you’ll be very glad you did!” 


Most books that offer advice about romantic relationships are written for women, more particularly for “modern” and “postmodern” women who no longer want to be part of a relationship in which they feel inferior.

In contrast, this manual is “for men only”:

“It offers a solution to men who want to co-create a healthy and lasting loving relationship with a woman

(Integral Relationships, Introduction).

Some facts and graphs

Here are some figures from Martin Ucik:

  • 84,000,000 Americans live alone, making 44 % of the population
  • Around 30,000,000 adults seek a partner online
  • A little under half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce

Celibacy has negative effects on physical and emotional health. Another key point is that neither women nor men seem to really know how to go about solving this, despite the plethora of books and websites on the subject.

The integral approach

This may be because we do not all operate on the same level of analysis. And that is why the integral approach, based on the work of Ken Wilber, could be useful. As a reminder, the adjective “integral” signifies an overall approach, one that is complete and comprehensive (also described as holistic).

The integral relationship model

On this basis, the manual studies romantic relationships, taking the various needs and dimensions of human beings into account.

  1. Part 1 studies the how men and women are constructed from a physical (body) and mental (mind) point of view. It also looks at male/female polarities, types of intelligence and the levels of growth of individuals.
  2. In part 2, the author focuses on the forms of love that can grow between men and women based on the general traits studied in part 1. Different love triangles are presented.
  3. Part 3 explores the original concepts of the “kosmic address” and the “compatibility matrix”, two conceptual tools that can help you find a soul mate.

Notes about this manual

The author bases his approach on four basic principles:

  1. “We are only conscious of ourselves through our relationships
  2. We are here to procreate
  3. The meaning of life is to grow in consciousness by awakening to an authentic life and the ability to love unconditionally
  4. Love can be unconditional, but relationships are not.” (Integral Relationships, Introduction)

If these assumptions are true, then love relationships determine our past, our present and our future. We should therefore take great care of them.

A word of warning however: the map is not the territory. There is a chasm between the two. You can overcome it by putting words into actions. So, you should also be cautious when you read this book. Take the pieces of scientific information used here as signposts that invite you to ask questions, rather than simply stating the obvious.

One last suggestion

When you meet people, do not use this book as a source of theory to be learned by heart and repeated to your partner of the day. That would be catastrophic! What a woman wants to see when she starts to get to know you is who YOU are. Do not talk to her about the map; explore the territory with her!

Understanding the dimensions of love Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik

Chapter 1. Understanding the dimensions of love

The spiritual dimensions of love

The unity of contrasts is greater than divisions such as:

  • Past and future
  • Empty and full
  • Light and darkness
  • Male and female
  • Feminine and masculine
  • Etc.

There is a oneness to the world that logically precedes any separation, any dichotomy. But the brain cannot achieve it, at least not in everyday life. To talk about it would be to talk about something that cannot be expressed! But it is vital to keep this idea in your sights.

Physical and psychological evolution

One of the reasons we can perpetuate the species is because men and women have compatible characteristics. Up to a certain point, relations of dominance between the sexes were what allowed the species to survive. From that point of view, love is simply a means of survival.

For thousands of years, the roles were established on solid bases. In modern times, these roles were questioned. This created a new situation, in which the relationship is imagined on an equal footing. Man and woman agree to enter into a relationship if it improves their quality of life.

Now another evolution is taking place, one called gender mainstreaming.

It contains the possibility for relations between men and women in which each one is perceived as both opposite and equal. This evolution contains the promise of a pleasant and sustainable future for humanity by promoting genuine equality (rights and responsibilities) while honouring sexual differences. (Integral Relationships, Chapter 1)

Part 1. The biological and psychological makeup of men and women

Chapter 2. Understanding the differences between the sexes

Each person is characterised by their sex, gender and feminine/masculine polarities.

Sex: physical/biological differences between males and females (body)

There are natural differences between men and women that do not evolve. To name them, the author reproduces the male/female distinction used in biology.

These sexual distinctions lead to separate fantasies. Martin Ucik calls these deep fantasies, which come directly from the sexual difference, “primary fantasies”.

You probably know this already: the “chemistry” between bodies often speaks on our behalf. And it’s true: from a biological/sexual point of view, love is a cocktail of hormones! And yet, the game of sexual attraction is not at all simple.

Here is what the author has to say, based on his research:

  • Men look for sexual objects and women look for successful objects
  • Women look for everything in a man, while men only look for one thing in a woman
  • For men, physical attraction (and sex) is the cause of the relationship, while for women, the relationship causes physical attraction (and sex)

Gender: cultural/learned differences between men and women (mind)

Gender is related to social and cultural roles that are learned in childhood and adulthood. They are like clothes we wear. They can also become stereotypes.

We find the idea of gender in the notion by which “men are from Mars and women are from Venus”. For example, we consider men to be more focused and women to be multi-taskers.

The concept of gender is explored in depth in the second part of the book.

Polarities: masculine/feminine potentials for both sexes (soul)

When it comes to the soul, each individual is both masculine and feminine; in other words, there is tension between the two poles. In fact, the integral relationship model is a little more complex, because it divides each pole in two, which gives us four factors to take into account.

  1. Communion (feminine)
  2. Descending (feminine)
  3. Ascending (masculine)
  4. Agency (masculine)

These 4 polarities can be well or poorly represented. For example, the polarity of agency (or self-preservation) means the capacity to choose, for self-determination. It is positive when, through that, it leads to individual autonomy. However, it becomes negative and unhealthy when it creates disassociation with the group and alienation.

Discover all the other polarities in the book and learn to situate yourself.

Martin Ucik insists that you have to learn to work with the three dimensions covered in this chapter.

Denying, misunderstanding or rejecting one of these three dimensions would lead to a partial or distorted view of the relationship between a man and a woman.” (Integral Relationships, Chapter 2)

Chapter 3. Lines of development for human intelligence

The multiple facets of humanity

According to Wilber’s theory of levels of consciousness, each human being develops (or does not develop) “lines of development”. The combination of these lines is what makes us individual. For example, you can develop your:

  • Artistic sense
  • Altruism
  • Cognitive abilities
  • Creativity
  • Self-esteem
  • Expression of your sexuality
  • Aptitude for meditation and contemplation
  • Gender identity
  • Socio-emotional capacities
  • Defence mechanisms
  • Etc. (Find all the others in the book!)

Couples that develop similar lines have a better chance of lasting.

Building relationships based on shared or compatible passions and interests

Identifying your passions and those of your partner is essential for any healthy relationship, to the extent where you should be able to share them, support each other mutually, express them freely, or – at minimum – be able to put up with them. (Integral Relationships, Chapter 3)

To do this, the author suggests two very practical tables:

  1. A full table with passions and interests where you can tick off your likes and dislikes, as well as those of your partner!
  2. A table of abilities, values and ideals

Talking about needs and neediness

Our well-being depends on satisfying our needs. However, neediness is a projection of the needs of other people. These desires are not necessary to our well-being and need to be controlled.

For example, a baby cannot survive without being fed. However, a baby can do without the toy that another child is playing with at a given time. The first case is a need. The second is a manifestation of neediness (a tantrum) related to the pleasure the baby believes it can see in another.

Autonomy and maturity involve:

  1. Transforming needs into desires
  2. Desires into conscious desires
  3. Conscious desires into preferences
  4. Preferences into non-preferences

Thanks to Martin Ucik’s list, you can start to listen to your own needs and those of your partner. Of course, mutually satisfying each other’s needs is not enough. The most important thing is to talk about needs, desires, preferences and non-preferences (what we decide we can do without).

Opening up to feelings

These days, men need to learn how to understand and share their feelings. Women are generally one step ahead in this. That is why they want men  to be more capable of this.

Warning: this does not mean expressing all feelings indiscriminately. While a man must become conscious of his vulnerability and his negative feelings, he will not share them in the same way as his positive feelings.

Here is a list of feelings when needs are satisfied (positive feelings):

  • Affection (compassion, love, warmth, etc.)
  • Trust (sense of strength, pride or safety, etc.)
  • Engagement (interest, curiosity, stimulation)
  • Inspiration (being impressed, surprised, amazed)
  • Excitement (surprise, energy, enthusiasm, etc.)
  • Exaltation (being delighted, recognition, etc.)
  • Etc

And another list for when they are not (negative feelings):

  • Fear (panic, worry, lack of confidence, etc.)
  • Boredom (exasperation, frustration, impatience, etc.)
  • Anger (irritation, resentment, rage, etc.)
  • Fatigue (, lethargy, burn out, etc.) 
  • Pain (solitude, regrets, remorse, broken heart, etc.)
  • Etc.

When you talk about emotions and feelings, it is not about being right or “winning”, but about demonstrating empathy. Nonviolent communication can be particularly useful in this.

Levels of growth Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik

Chapter 4. Levels of growth

This is not about reaching a maximum level along each line of development (some of which were mentioned in the previous chapter). It is about knowing the and understanding how they apply to us in order to act for the best, especially in our romantic relationships. Let’s continue along this path.

Development of consciousness (colours)

As with the lines of development, it is preferable to have a partner who is at the same level of development of consciousness as you are. What are these levels or colours? This is sometimes known as the dynamic spiral.

  1. Archaic (infrared), or death/life opposition
  2. Magic (magenta), security/insecurity
  3. Egocentric (red), good/bad
  4. Mythical (amber), true/false
  5. Rational (orange), win/loss
  6. Pluralistic (green), sensitive/indifferent
  7. Integral (teal), integrated/partial
  8. Transpersonal (turquoise), wisdom and compassion

Firstly, there are preconventional phases (1-3), then conventional phases (4-5) and postconventional phases (6) and beyond (post-postconventional phases: 7-8).

N.B.: These colours may change depending on what book you are reading and the major inspiration. Martin Ucik uses Wilber’s classification. For more details, I advise consulting the rich descriptions provided in this chapter.

Spiritual development

There are several definitions of what is “spiritual”. The author mainly concerns himself with practices and teachings that lead to higher states of levels of consciousness. In the modern and post-modern world, the spiritual has replaced religion in the sense of organised churches and indoctrination.

The author studies 4 stages:

  1. Gross/waking (or psychic) – “I have a body, but I am not my body”
  2. Subtle/dreaming – “I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts”
  3. Causal/deep sleep – “I am, but I miss being”
  4. Pure witness – “I witness Being, but I am not Being”
  5. Non-dual, the rare experience of complete union between the self and the world

The development of sexuality

Just as there are several stages of development in matters of spirituality, there are various stages of development in matters of authentic sexuality.

Martin Ucik analyses 5 of them:

  1. Repressed sexuality = sex is considered to be dirty, linked to feelings of guilt and fear, etc.
  2. Fucking = egocentric pleasure, or any physical pleasure is sought, without distinction
  3. Having sex = where partners seek to satisfy the desires of the other person in a game of fantasies
  4. Making love = verbal and nonverbal communication play a major role and connection is all important
  5. Sacred sexuality = profound connection (tantric) based on energies such as Kundalini

Anima and Animus

These concepts arise from the work of Carl G. Jung. They are archetypes that we appropriate like roles to play in our relationships. Over the course of life, we attribute different roles to the opposite sex. We think of ourselves through these representations. Here is a generalisation.

Men develop different conceptions of the Anima (representation of the feminine):

  1. Mother (her role is to tend)
  2. Sexual object (her role is to give pleasure)
  3. Wife (her role is to offer support and confidence)
  4. Guide towards more creativity and awakening (her role is to fight to generate independence)
  5. Equal partner (her role is to be similar, opposite and equal).

Women develop different conceptions of the Animus (representation of the masculine)

  1. Stranger (induces fear, they hate and love him simultaneously)
  2. Father, God or King (they seek his approval)
  3. Hero (he takes care of her and comforts her)
  4. Be independent (they allow themselves to do without him)
  5. Equal partner (they seek him as someone similar, simultaneously opposite and equal)

These representations are projections: we imagine that the other person holds that place, and we build ourselves around it. Sometimes the difference in expectations can cause major frustrations. This is why understanding the Animus/Anima complex can be very helpful.

As Martin Ucik reminds us:

When, over the course of the love relationship, the men and women transcend their anima/animus projections and develop consciousness of what they are seeking (inside themselves) or rejecting (outside themselves), they become humans that are more creative and alive, as well as more balanced partners. (Integral Relationships, Chapter 4)

States of falling in love Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik

Chapter 5. States of falling in love

As we mentioned earlier, chemistry is a factor in love (chapter 1). Hormones come and go and if one hormone kicks in or falls off, then this can lead to a change in the love condition. In other words, falling in love is a temporary state. Let’s take a closer look at these fluctuations in feelings.

Phase 1. Sexual desire

Oestrogen and testosterone play a big part here. They affect both men and women, albeit in different proportions.

Phase 2. Romance

Here are some hormones that get involved at this stage:

  • Dopamine, a hormone that creates an addictive effect (it can be found in drugs)
  • Norepinephrine, a relative of adrenaline, which stimulates and energises
  • Serotonin – an increase in this hormone leads to a drop in the others.

Phase 3. Commitment

  • Ocytocin, the hormone that creates bonds and reduces stress
  • Vasopressin, sometimes considered to be the monogamy hormone, because it contributes to long term commitment.

The gift that makes you want to stay hooked on love

Serial lovers can stay hooked on the hormones generated by sex and romance. They move from relationship to relationship without truly becoming attached. Polyamorous experiences or open relationships are similar to this, but they rarely last.

Integrating chemistry using reason

Of course, the chemistry of hormones influences us without us realising it, and without our being fully conscious of it. But this does not prevent us from overcoming – or at least balancing – chemistry with rationality.

A man’s capacity to differentiate between chemistry and rationality, and to integrate both is essential for the cocreation of a lasting and healthy love relationship — if that is what you and your partner want. (Integral Relationships, Chapter 5)

The next parts of the manual will help you make better use of rationality in the pursuit – and success – of your love relationships.

Chapter 6. Evaluating personality types

The author offers several tools to help men figure out the personality type of their (potential) partner.

The NLP types

Neurolinguistic programming helps distinguish between people who are:

  • Auditory
  • Visual
  • Kinaesthetic.

Using the techniques developed by PNL, such as studying eye movements, you can discover and learn how to mirror the ways your partner acts.

The 5 languages of love

Starting with the NLP types, it is possible to reveal different ways to talk about love. The author mentions 5:

  • Words of affirmation (for auditory people who need to hear reassuring words)
  • The quality of time spent together (pleasant action is better than words of confirmation) 
  • Gifts (visual people like to receive things they can admire)
  • Services rendered (useful action overtakes everything else)
  • Physical contact (kinaesthetic people like to touch and to experience sensuality).

Enneagram of personality

Perhaps you have already heard of this theory about personality types. The enneagram suggests nine profiles:

  1. Reformer (perfectionist, idealistic)
  2. Helper (caring, supportive)
  3. Challenger (winner, achiever)
  4. Individualist (dramatic, romantic)
  5. Investigator (observant, cerebral)
  6. Loyalist (committed, suspicious)
  7. Enthusiast (optimistic, multi-tasker)
  8. Achiever (success-oriented, leader)
  9. Peacemaker (diplomatic, complacent).

Of course, each one has its qualities and its defects. For example, a romantic woman can be envious and need too much attention. On the other hand, she can be very sensitive and creative!

The Myer-Briggs indicator

This indicator plays on pairs of opposites: you can combine them to reveal a personality in a relatively precise manner. Here are the 4 main criteria:

  1. Extrovert/introvert
  2. Rational/intuitive
  3. Thinker/feeler
  4. Judging/perceptive


Martin Ucik notes this percentage: 31% of US citizens believe in astrology. The 12 types developed by western (and eastern) astrology can help you discover affinities with your partner. Women are generally more inclined to use this method than men.

Other types and other beliefs

There are many other ways to create human personality types. Some are pretty fraudulent and lead to stereotypes.

Nevertheless, it is not productive to close your mind to all approaches, on the pretext that they are not scientific. Some of them – used wisely – can be useful.

Part Two Men and women coming together

Chapter 7. Primary fantasy and personality

Attraction and the different levels of consciousness

We frequently see that the most attractive men date the most desirable women. Relationships between partners with very dissimilar characteristics are quite rare.

But attractiveness does not stop there. The author offers a reminder about the relationship between attraction and levels of consciousness (colours). What attracts which level…

  • Archaic (infrared): a strong man who survives or a fertile woman.
  • Superstitious (magenta): a man who adapts to the environment and his clan or a fertile woman (the author attributes the same characteristics to women again).
  • Egocentric (red): an independent and confident man or a woman with strong sex appeal who shows an attitude of deference towards the man are appreciated.
  • Conformist (amber): security (especially job security) for the man and commitment to his family or elegance and devotion towards the husband are considered attractive traits.
  • Rational (orange): a man with a high-income exhibiting status symbols or a traditional attitude and moral support.
  • Pluralistic (green): altruism and free time are especially valued in the man, against a joyful and motivating attitude for the woman.
  • Integral (teal): wisdom and completeness in every domain for both partners.

Imagine the population of the United States. Each person is at a particular level. Dating can be difficult between men and women at different levels of consciousness. There can be all kinds of abuse or problems that come from several directions. The primary fantasies of everyone cannot match up!

The personality matrix

Martin Ucik draws inspiration from the Wilber-Combs grid (Ken Wilber and Allan Combs) to try to identify the different dimensions mentioned in the previous part (levels of consciousness, feminine/masculine polarities, spiritual and sexual stages).

By doing this, there are 1000 combinations that are possible (8 x 5 x 5 x 5). By following the author’s table, you can try to better understand yourself and study how compatible you are with your partner (actual or desired).

Our drive to connect Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik

Chapter 8. Our drive to connect

Holons: always partial, always complete

According to Ken Wilber’s integral model, a holon is simultaneously a whole in and of itself, as well as part of a larger whole. 

Examples of holons:

  • Letters, words, sentences, paragraphs, texts, etc.
  • Atoms, molecules, cells, organs, humans, couples, families, communities, etc.

Holons form structures or hierarchies of holons (holonarchies) in such a way that they smallest part is always englobed in the larger one, while retaining its singularity. On the other hand, the biggest part is not necessary. For example:

  • Sentences need to be made of words, but they do not necessarily form paragraphs.
  • Cells can exist without organisms, but not without molecules.
  • A couple can be formed by two humans, but it does not necessarily make a family.

Another lesson to learn is that the sum is always bigger than the parts. The family has original characteristics that the couple does not have, for example.

In the next part of the chapter, the author looks more closely at what Wilber calls individual holons and social holons. Let’s take a quick look at that.

The characteristics of individual Holons

Individual holons have three unique characteristics:

  • A governing force (what Wilber calls a dominant monade, the gives meaning to action and decision).
  • Four dimensions (interior/exterior and individual/collective)
  • Four drivers (ascending, descending, agency/singularity, communion).

The definitions and the precise relationships between these dimensions of individual human holons are studied by Martin Ucik in this part of the book. A word of warning – it gets technical!

Social Holons

Groups of individual human holons are called social holons. The goal is to find out how a social holon, such as a couple, can maintain a relationship as equals, balancing and harmonising individual characteristics to create something new: the couple.

Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik

Chapter 9. Passion / Intimacy / Dependence

The three sides of the triangle

There are three central elements to a love relationship:

  • Intimacy (marked LL) 
  • Passion (marked LR)
  • Unconscious dependence (several forms of this exist and the author explains them in the chapter).

From this, it is possible to draw love triangles that take different forms, depending on whether one pole is more or less developed than another. In the end, you get eight sorts of triangle and eight forms of love.

The eight forms of love

Martin Ucik analyses the following 8 forms:

  1. Non-love = no passion, no intimacy, no dependence
  2. Friendship = intimacy, but little (or no) passion and dependence
  3. Infatuation = lots of passion, but almost no level of intimacy or dependence
  4. Commitment = dependence, but little intimacy and passion
  5. Romantic love = intimacy and passion, but little commitment
  6. Crazy love = Lots of passion and dependence, but no intimacy
  7. Companionate love = dependence and intimacy, but little passion
  8. Integral love = the right dose of passion, intimacy and dependence!

Chapter 10. Differences in male and female consciousness development

Cocreating man-woman consciousness

From a biological point of view, men and women evolve together, each developing separate and complementary abilities. According to the author, men have developed forms of creativity that are related to reason, while intuition is preferred in women.

Of course, it is not easy to say which side this started on, but what is certain is that the characteristics complement each other. By developing intuition, a woman may find that men are more creative and intelligent. By becoming more inventive, men are guaranteed to have more success with women.

Conflicts can arise when the levels of development of consciousness are not balanced.

The feminine flow and the masculine structure create the river

Let’s return to the river metaphor we saw in chapter 2:

Men and women create the river together. The masculine creation of the banks is the result of the feminine desire for flow, depth and content (the desire to be protected). The levels of the banks are built layer by layer in a predetermined order – from the level of archaic consciousness to the transpersonal level – by the flow of the water. No layer can be skipped. (Integral Relationships, Chapter 10)

If the woman has a higher level of consciousness, she will “overflow” and feel dissatisfied with what they man can offer her. Conversely, if the man has a higher level of consciousness, he will feel “dried up” and demotivated.

The ladder, the climb, the view

Now let’s use another metaphor: that of the ladder, the climber and the view.

  • The ladder represents the levels of consciousness suggested by Wilber (from archaic to transpersonal).
  • The climber is the self (man or woman) with all their characteristics (personality, nature, etc.).
  • The view, which changes at each level, is the metaphor for the world view or singular perspective that is contained within each level of consciousness.

It is a way of saying that conflicts and difficulties within a couple spring from these differences.

Psychological healing

Masculine growth (in terms of moving up the levels of consciousness) is driven by the feminine desire to transcend the current levels of consciousness. This complex dynamic can lead to problems.

Errors and conflicts that appear over the course of the relationship can be healed by becoming conscious of your current level of consciousness, as well as that of your partner.

Part Three Applying the integral relationship model in the real world

Chapter 11. Where am I coming from? Where is she coming from?

What is a kosmic address?

The kosmic address is constructed from the personality (see chapter 7 and the personality matrix) and a world perspective. Without knowing the kosmic address – your own first, and then that of your (future) partner – you are groping around in the dark and you considerably reduce your chances of entering into a relationship with the right person.

Let’s look into the ways to recognise the kosmic address of your future partner.

Identify their perspective and level of consciousness

You can have four perspectives of the world:

  1. Objective (real or “natural” characteristics observed)
  2. Subjective (what you think and feel without interacting)
  3. Intersubjective (the way to connect to others and interact)
  4. Social (objective characteristics related to society, such as clothing habits, salary, etc.).

To determine a person’s level of consciousness, you can ask questions from each one of these perspectives. Visit the book to find the topics of conversation you can develop!

Identify their spiritual state

Once again, the author offers a series of questions related to the spiritual states tackled in chapter 4. Here are some of them:

  • What are your ethical and moral standards?
  • Do you have a religious or spiritual practice? Which one?
  • Do the terms presence and abandonment mean anything to you?
  • Do you believe in life after death? What are your beliefs on this subject?

Using the advice given by Martin Ucik in the “Interpretation” part, you can find the way to deduce their spiritual state using questions like these.

Identify their sexual phase

This is a more delicate topic, but you can start by asking similar questions, and gradually delve deeper to understand what level they are at:

  • Do you mind talking about your sexuality? Tell me if I say something that offends you…
  • What do you think about nudity, in private and in public?
  • What is your definition of “successful” sex?
  • Do you have any regrets about certain aspects of your previous sex life?
  • Do you prefer a surprise or to plan your sexual encounters?
  • What do you need to feel excited or aroused?
  • Etc.

Please be tactful. You don’t want to make your (future) partner uncomfortable.

Identify their Animus complex

Some more questions will tell you about their Animus complex.

  • What is a man for you?
  • What do you think about male-female equality?
  • What are the differences between a man and a woman?
  • What do you think makes a man attractive?

Follow Martin Ucik’s guide to interpret the answers!

Identify their type

You can find online tests. When you get to know them better, it could be a good idea to complete one together. There is a way to make taking this kind of test fun and entertaining. After all, the goal is to improve and to gain better insight about yourself.

Chapter 12. Locating your partner and yourself on the compatibility matrix

Conflict resolution and forgiveness

As you can see, there are many potential sources of conflict or error, because there are many different stages of consciousness. In short, it is not easy to be on the same wavelength.

Don’t forget that empathy, forgiveness and conflict resolution are tools to make relationships last.

To be or not to be: that is the question

To be or not to be in a relationship: that is in fact the question. Do not force yourself to start a relationship that you know is not going to work.

The same applies to the “honeymoon period” at the start of a relationship. That is when you should know whether things are going to last.

The analyses on offer in the book will help you take stock.

Chapter 13. Dating using the integral relationship model

The integral approach

It invites you to know yourself better to open up to love. As the famous teacher Rumi says, quoted in the introduction to this chapter by Martin Ucik:

“Your task is not to seek Love but merely to seek and find all the barriers you have built against it.” 

(Rumi, quoted in Integral Relationships, Chapter 13)

Ask yourself the right questions!

Dating strategies

You can try to trust the “Law of Attraction” that states that our thoughts create reality. Of course, that works when you have a positive attitude towards life and the relationships you maintain. But when it comes to meeting someone, willingness is rarely enough.

You can go to singles events. It is an experience worth trying, but some people may find this to be quite a challenge. Also, you do not get enough information about the people you meet.

You could also read Models: Attract Women Through Honesty to complete your approach.

Internet dating

This is an increasingly popular way to meet people. The keys to success are:

  1. Your availability
  2. The sincerity of your profile
  3. The choice of website(s)
  4. Photos
  5. Realistic expectations
  6. Making good use of the search criteria integrated to the dating site (location, type, age, etc.)
  7. Being brave enough to reach out to the women who meet your criteria
  8. Investing in the answers you give to people who turn out to be available
  9. Suggest a telephone conversation
  10. Go on a date with people who match the different parts of the integral model suggested here.


Healthy relationships benefit everyone, including (of course) the children born from the union. Nothing is a given for ever: successful couples know how to balance their personalities and harmonise their temperaments.

Some people choose to change partners regularly, especially as they move through the levels of consciousness. This is an option you may want to consider.

Conclusion about Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik:

What to take away from Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik:

You are reading this book because you are a man who wants to know if you “match” deeply with your current female partner or if you are thinking about starting new relationships. The manual is not intended for gay couples.

The author says this in the epilogue:

May this manual give you the strength to grow in consciousness in order to live an authentic life in a joyful and responsible way, and thereby create a healthy relationship. (Integral Relationships, Epilogue)

What you can take away from this book is that you need to know yourself in order to establish healthy relationships. These relationships will help raise you up and grow if you choose your partner well.

The author offers several appendices. Feel free to peruse them! There are books for every level of consciousness, for both sexes, for single people and couples. The author presents them in detail at the end of the book. They are useful complements to the reading.

This is a very comprehensive book. It offers a multitude of tools to determine your character and your personality, as well as that of the person with whom you want to share your life.

A word of caution, however. Do not blindly follow the author in all his analyses. Remember that these categories are just tools to help your grow daily.

Strong Points:

  • Simple writing
  • Several appendices
  • Tables.

Weak point:

  • Some parts are technical
  • Sometimes the author falls into stereotypes / generalisations when talking about the sexes.

My rating : Permanent Record by Edward Snowden Permanent Record by Edward Snowden Permanent Record by Edward SnowdenPermanent Record by Edward SnowdenPermanent Record by Edward SnowdenPermanent Record by Edward SnowdenPermanent Record by Edward SnowdenPermanent Record by Edward SnowdenPermanent Record by Edward Snowden

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Short practical guide to Integral Relationships, the book

The three main parts of Integral Relationships, the book:

  1. The biological and psychological makeup of men and women
  2. Men and women coming together
  3. Applying the integral relationship model in the real world

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) about the book Integral Relationships.

1. How did the public find out about the book Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik?

Translated into several languages and independently published on 13 July 2010, Integral Relationships is a book that encountered great success with the public. It entered the list of best-selling books on Amazon.

2. What was the impact of the book Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik?

The book integrates socio-economic, biological, psychological, developmental and spiritual dimensions to love relationships to form a comprehensive map. It allows men to meet women with integrity, strength, understanding and kindness at their level of consciousness.

3. Who is the book Integral Relationships by Martin Ucik for?

This book is for couples in general and in particular for men who are looking for a soul mate.

4. What are the central elements of a loving relationship according to Martin Ucik?

For Martin Ucik, there are three central elements to a love relationship: intimacy, passion and dependence.

5. What is the importance of neurolinguistic programming according to Martin Ucik?

According to Martin Ucik, the importance of neurolinguistic programming is that is helps distinguish between people who are auditory, visual and kinaesthetic.

Feminine representationMasculine representation
Sexual objectFather, God or King
Guide towards more creativity and awakeningBe independent
Equal partnerEqual partner

Who is Martin Ucik?

Martin Ucik

Martin is an author, trainer and consultant in integral relationships informed by trauma (NARM) that helps single people and couples cocreate healthy integral love relationships. He left his native Germany for California in the 1990s, where he trained with Eckhart Tolle as a group facilitator, before becoming a passionate student of Ken Wilber’s integral philosophy.

This allowed him to integrate his relationship experiences into his books, including Integral Relationships. He teaches tips that allow men to meet women with integrity, strength, understanding and kindness at their level of consciousness. Martin now loves in Istanbul, Turkey and in California. He is a consultant and teaches online. He also leads experience workshops and training courses locally and all over the world.

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